Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Cheaters. Why do they do it? What brain function goes wrong inside a person head that leads them to cheat on a loved one?

Everyone gets tempted. Everyone. We're human, it's gonna happen. Sometimes the temptation is too strong and we just have to do something about it. That's how it starts.

A monogamous realtionship is a contract. Both parties agree on the terms and business is fine for a while. Then one party, as an example we'll say she, becomes unsatisfied with the current situation. She usually feels unfulfilled on various levels that makes her want out. Maybe dude isn't making her feel special enough, or maybe she doesn't feel independant being around him, or maybe she all of a sudden feels too young to settle down and there's more wild oats to sow. Maybe she imagines their relationship fifty years from now as sterile, cold, and not worth going through. Whatever it is, she's looking elsewhere.

The problem is she acts too soon. She's out one night, she's been thinking about it for a while, she meets someone else, that person is into her, they dance, it's fun new and exciting, they leave together and that's when she lost it.

Meanwhile, dude's at home freaking out that she hadn't come home yet, suspecting the worst, ready to pounce when she finally does arrive and the sitution gets hostile and ugly, quick.

Typically, she'll lie about what's happened, compounding the problem even further. Dishonesty tends to grow if you let it, and it becomes a classic sequence of deceit. The poor other guy, who lots of times is unaware of the complete picture, has to defend himself in what has become a regretable triangle of drama.

Why? Because she didn't have the courage to end the relationship when she discovered her unhappiness with it. She broke the contract, outright. No one likes getting dumped. But everyone would rather be dumped than be cheated on first. It allows the dumped to keep some dignity. It's hard to tell someone who loves you, "I don't want to see you anymore". Sure. But it's a responsiblity one has to live up to.

So then there's the post cheating phase. Maybe he still wants her back after the damage has been done. Like a wounded dog, limping over for some pets. She may acquiesce and have a little make-up sex, which gives him hope for a future together again. He starts feeling better about things and she goes out and cheats again. She's afraid of hurting him yet she remains happier outside the relationship so she plays both roles. Dude knows what's going on but is willing to ignore it as long as she sleeps in his bed most of the time. Now, not only is she wasting her time in this broken realtionship, she's causing all kinds of long term confidence issues in him.

The thing is this. When you decide you've had enough, and want out, and you know it's gonna hurt the other person. You have to officially end the contract before you can prospect other business partners. It's encouraged to give a brief time period before you start entertaining suitors. It's how it goes. Whatever reason your unhappiness stems from is fine, as long as it's outwardly stated prior to "fixing" the problem. Respect your contract.

Now it should be known that I've not always behaved accordingly within this topic. I've never specifically cheated per se, but I've exploited certain loopholes in my personal contracts of the past. I'm ashamed of my actions about this more than maybe anything else (I can't really ride a bike, I used to steal money from my Grandma, I beat up my sister as a kid, ect.). I, like others who feel as if they've failed on certain levels concerning honesty within relationships, can only improve from our failures and be sure to not intentionally or otherwise, hurt people we've cared for by being so disrespectful. Honor your contract.

Mojokong the Morally Challenged


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