Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Letter To Steeler Nation:

Steeler Nation,

First off, congratulations on winning your sixth Super Bowl Championship. I trust it still rests comfortably atop your collective mind. Secondly, I must say, I admire your obsession with your team. A Steeler fan seems always willing to display his or her loyalty anywhere in the world, at times creating awkward, even socially-damaging effects, yet one carries on undeterred. And, thirdly, it is impossible to call you a group made up largely of bandwagoneers because you’re rarely absent from the playoffs and it’s hard to lose fan support when the team always wins. So there you have it.

Now, with all pleasantries aside, it’s time to speak of your team’s identity. What the universe should agree upon is that the Steelers are made up of defense and a running game—any dumbbell knows that. However, let’s not pretend that a central characteristic to your team’s success is not deception. Within the past six years, the Steelers have been the experts at the ol’ trickeration, often times at the Bengals’ expense–most notably in the dreaded playoff game of 2005; a play that sealed the fate of the Bengals’ season and still causes the venom to rise in the mouths of bitter Who-Deyers today.

And your defense is run by a man who predicates his whole philosophy on the slight-of-hand. One could produce an entire college thesis on the deceptive strategies of Dick LeBeau’s defenses. He’s always one step ahead of the league because he continues to trick everyone.

My beef, Steeler Nation, is that you assume that what you see unfold every year is due to sheer strength and determination, when there is something more cunning there, more conniving. I’m not at all saying that you’re dirty, I’m saying you’re sneaky. You want a sheer muscle team who socks you in your mouth? Try Baltimore. Pittsburgh will outsmart the Ravens, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re tougher.

A feeble Bengals’ fan like myself has no defense to your many, many championships and your apparent sheer awesomeness. You need not even look in our direction when we simpletons from Southern Ohio & Northern Kentucky exercise our underdeveloped vocal chords about how maybe you’re the evil genius who wins in the end rather than the muscle-bounded hero everyone else was rooting for. That’s why we don’t like you, Steeler Nation; you’re Iago, you’re Gargamel, you’re Skeletor. I’d rather not face it either; I don’t blame you, but you suck. You must at least acknowledge, someday, and hopefully soon, that you suck.

Best of luck this season. Go jump off a cliff, just as soon as you can. I truly despise you. Hugs & Kisses.


B. Clifton Burke


  • At 3:30 AM , Anonymous mailmansculptor said...

    naughty...using two nots in one sentence...not quite a double negative, but a knotty dilemma.

  • At 7:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I have a response to their 6 super bowls.

    How about the first 4 being during the NFL's steroid era, with the Stealers being the team that were most identified with steroid use. Recently, something like 6 players from those Stealer teams died around age 50 from heart-related issues. Bengals former strength coach Kim Wood, who is the pioneer of strength and conditoning programs in the NFL, said last year that it was common knowledge that the Stealers of the 70's were into steroids, and knew it was giving them an edge. He said he it was prevalent throughout the league, but the Stealers were the deepest. He even said that he believed the city of Pittsburgh's blue-collar nature was the reason the players felt like they needed every edge they could get to keep the fans satisfied. Also, there are former players who have discussed this.

    So that's an asterisk next to 4 super bowls. In 2005, which is nicknamed "The Asterisk Bowl",for the partiality the referees showed the Stealers was another questionable game. The Seahawks got the 2 most important plays of the game go against them: 1. The phantom offensive pass interference call in the endzone against Darrell Jackson, which was made by the back judge who happens to be a Pittsburgh resident and lifelong Stealer fan; 2. Then, in the 4th quarter, Hasselbeck connects with Jeremy Stevens over the middle to set up a 1st and goal from the 2 yard line, but the play gets called back for a holding penalty that even the announcers are baffled by.

    My recollection can't do justice to how bad the officiating was in that game. It was blatant and obscene. The NFL played the "Jerome Bettis' Road to Detroit" and "One for the Thumb" storylines all the way, and either carefully picked the referees accordingly, or the referees got caught in the hype. Either way, very questionable that Seattle didn't get a fair shake. In addition, in 2007, the Stealers doctor was caught ordering $150,000 worth of steroids on his personal credit card. He's not that buff, so who were all those steroids for?? That's another asterisk.

    I'll give them that in 2008, they legitimately won the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Tom Brady got hurt, which helped their chances. But they did win. So in reality, they have 1 legitimate Super Bowl out of 6.

    Relate these facts to a Stealers fan and they will bombard you with "You're just jealous" and "Whatever" comebacks. It's not worth it.

    For all of the reasons stated above, I hate the Stealers.


  • At 8:23 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    They have it, we don't. Not just Super Bowl victories...but better coaching, scouting, more dedicated owners, history, fan support.

    BUT pillage and plunder, no matter the cost, is not winning.

    Nobody liked Ghengis Kahn either.

  • At 11:49 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Ah, the always apparent inferiority complex, that I've come to know and love living in the Queen City...

    It may be unfair, but good teams, with highly regarded reputations get the calls. This happens in all sports, not just the NFL.

    So, they used alot of steroids and still might (like much of the NFL). They even may have been the best at getting away with it. To me, it is not cheating if you do not get caught and if you're not cheating you're not trying. There is not alot of integrity to be found in professional athletics, let's be honest.

    Don't hate the player, hate the game.


  • At 3:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I'm going to print this so Mary has something to read at the beach this weekend.

    C Griffin


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